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| Ericsson GA628 from 1999. Public Domain via Wikimedia. |
By Mike Coley
When I migrated to Gunning from Canberra in 1995 I had a three year old analogue mobile phone, large and lumpy but useful. I had bought it in the strange days when middle ranking officials in federal departments were allocated senior officers’ work-related expenses, and a mobile phone seemed a good thing to buy.
After living in Gunning for a while it dawned on me that going out onto the verandah to get a weak and dubious analogue service in Gunning – it didn’t work at all inside - was uneconomic. So I cancelled the service and sold the phone for an amazing $50 to a friend who lived where the analogue service was better.
Over the next couple of years I investigated the digital mobile phone services in Gunning from all three suppliers. Friends and family who came to visit from Canberra, Melbourne, Sydney and Perth were invited to sit in my front living room and try out their mobiles, which came from all three companies. None were much good, surprising for a town that’s less than a kilometre from the Hume Highway, whose hinterland straddles about half Australia’s population.
If the mobile phone reception, digital or analogue, from any one company had been significantly better than any of the others, the word would have got around fast in the town and that company would have had a quick monopoly. So this story is about living in a small country town an hour north of Canberra, not an attack on one particular company, however bizarre the latter’s behaviour may have been.
In 1997 another friend, a Gunning resident, gave me an ancient analogue bag phone that had a better range than the handheld. Because of battery problems it lived in my car as an emergency phone for when I went away and until October 1999 cost me $10 a month to maintain the service.
In May 1999 the analogue phone company sent me a flyer to inform me the analogue system was to close down at the end of the year and would be replaced by a system called Code Division Multiple Access, or CDMA. They suggested that when the time came I might replace my analogue machine and service contract with a CDMA machine and another service contract.
The time came. In early October the phone company sent me a friendly and persuasive word-processed letter with a brochure inviting me to take up a contract for CDMA access. This would involve buying a CDMA machine through mail order. The choice was from five mobile phones, ranging from $69 for the bottom of the line to $449 for conspicuous consumers. The offer said if for any reason I wasn’t satisfied with the service I could return the phone and void the contract, important to me as I knew all mobile phone reception in Gunning was dubious.
After a few weeks, given the offer was going to cost me only $79 for the machine that looked like it would suit me – modern mobile phones are becoming so tiny! – and the contract would cost me $10 a month, I decided to take the plunge.
I rang the mail order number and said I wanted to buy a phone. The sales person, who obviously had a computer in front of him to ensure he didn’t miss anything, took me through an identification and payment rigmarole that included insisting on spelling my name with an idiosyncratic invented phonetic alphabet. “M for Mary, I for Inverell…”. I wondered why they didn’t teach them the internationally accepted phonetic alphabet, in this case Mike, India, Charlie, etc, if they had to go through such a moronic process. I also wondered whether they would get my name right through this process. They didn’t.
Then we got to delivery details. The exchange went: “Where did I want the phone sent?” As I had already given my address in Gunning a few times I said “Gunning, of course!”
Pause..…“Where’s Gunning?”
I replied, “In New South Wales between Yass and Goulburn on the Hume Highway.” Pause..…“What postcode is that?” “2581.”
Pause…..”We have only four places in postcode 2581 that our contractor delivers to.” “Oh, where are they?” “Gurrundah, Cullerin, Breadalbane (predictably mangled in pronunciation) and Collector.”!
“But Gunning’s bigger than all of those, is the shire centre, and on the Hume Highway!”
“Sorry sir, we only deliver to Gurrundah, Cullerin, Breadalbane (how did you say that again?) and Collector. Perhaps you could buy a phone over the counter at your nearest phone shop?”
“Will they allow me to return the phone and void the contract if the phone service is unsatisfactory?” “I don’t know, sir.” “OK, I’ll try.”
So I went into Goulburn a few days later. I found the phone company’s franchise shop and presented my documents. “Will you allow me to return the phone and void the contract if the phone doesn’t work?” “No, but I’ll check with the phone company.” He rang them. “No, that doesn’t apply to over the counter sales, once you’ve signed the access contract you’re stuck with it.”
Back to Gunning; back to the mail order number. “Buying the phone over the counter didn’t work; they don’t operate in the same way as mail order.”
“Sir, perhaps you need to visit family or friends somewhere where we can arrange delivery in the next few days?” “How about delivery to friends in Collector?”
His answer was astonishing, “Can you be there personally to sign for the phone – you will need to be there for four hours to ensure delivery.” “What! No! This is crazy!”
“Sir, is there anywhere else you are going to be for four hours where we could deliver the phone to you?” “Yes! Yass! I’m going to an emergency management meeting at the Yass Shire Council chambers in Comur Street – I spelt it – Yass’ main street, next Thursday.”
Pause…..“Where’s Yass?” “It’s a town of about 3000 people on the Hume Highway 40km south-west of Gunning.” “What postcode?” “2582.” “We don’t deliver to Yass.”
By then my demeanour was that of total disbelief. I told the salesman it wasn’t his fault but I was totally frustrated. He was equally frustrated and tried to get out of his systemic box. “Please leave it with me, sir. I’ll call you back tomorrow. What time would you like?” “Any time around six pm.” “All right, I’ll check and call you then.”
At 6.45 the next day the phone rang and there it was, the salesman had actually rung back! “Sir, I can arrange delivery to Yass.”
Wow! At last! “OK, let’s go through things.”
Though the identification and payment rigmarole again but this time we were getting somewhere. Finally to a young woman who organised my phone number – the one I wanted – and told me what to do when the phone arrived to get it going.
So to Yass, where I told the rescue sub-committee meeting of my phone adventures. At 10.00 it arrived! The courier had managed to find the shire council offices, the meeting, and me. Amazing!
I signed for it and unpacked it between the two meetings. I put the machine on charge, concentrated on the meeting, and at 12.30 rang the phone company to get the phone activated. So far so good.
Back to Gunning. Upstairs to my study. The weakest possible signal, no better than analogue. Walk around a bit in hope but bad luck, reception is extremely poor.
Next morning, back to the phone company in line with their instructions for return if it didn’t work. “I want to return the phone.” More rigmarole, designed to dissuade me from this decision. “Don’t be stupid! The damn thing doesn’t work here.” “And where are you?” And so on and so on for about half an hour, after which they were persuaded I was serious and the phone had to be returned.
Right at the end I said, “What about digital phones? Do you sell them on the same basis, satisfaction or return?” Now he was on sure footing. “We can offer you a free phone, Ericsson GA628, $15 a month with a contract for two years, hands free kit, $200 free calls in the first month.”
All this was rapid fire and I got about half of it but I said it sounded like a good deal if I could return the phone and void the contract if the phone didn’t work well enough. “Yes, that would be fine, you have ten days cooling off period after delivery.”
“Where would you like the phone sent?” “Gunning.”
Pause..…“Where’s Gunning?” Oh no, not this again! “Let me tell you, you deliver to only Gurrundah, Cullerin, Breadalbane and Collector in postcode 2581.”
“How did you know?” “I’ve been through this before. It’s not confined to CDMA machines but to all your company’s mail order products.” “Is there anywhere where you’ll be for four hours where we could send it to?”
This time I was ready. “Yes!” and I gave a friend’s address in Canberra. He had been overseas recently and I was going to see him in the next week anyway. “What about Monday?” “The earliest we could do is Tuesday.”
“All right, all right. But only a two hour wait.” “I’ll check…ok.”
I was telling this story to my mate in Canberra on Tuesday morning when just on cue at the end of the story the doorbell rang. “There’s your phone,” he said. Sure enough the courier had arrived on time with the right phone at the right place.
I’m now the proud possessor of a relatively small Ericsson GA628 digital mobile phone. Reception in Gunning is dubious but not impossible. It is now my business phone to allow my wife to use the home phone and not have to deal with business.
A few days after I received the phone I received a letter welcoming me to the network. Predictably, despite their ludicrous efforts with the phonetic alphabet they insisted on spelling my middle name incorrectly, I got Dennis instead of Denis, which I had insisted upon spelling – D-E-single N-I-S.
Fortunately, with the phone there was a “feedback form”. What a chance!
Question: are you satisfied with the company’s service? Answer: certainly not!
Question: are you satisfied with the delivery arrangement? Answer: are you joking!
Question: would you recommend the company to someone else? Answer: not in Gunning.
My phone sits in front of me, all black and green with the phone company’s name staring at me and a little green light saying it’s trying to work.
It’s very precious because of the extraordinary lengths I had to employ to get it.
Michael Coley
November 1999
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